Some Pictures.

Taken a year ago in June.

One of my favs of us, recently.

My memorial to Bale. RIP Fuzzy One.

Let me take you to Funky Town.

I am officially in a funk. Unfortunately this happens from time to time but without any means to seriously fix things I am stuck dealing with it by myself. It's like being stuck in a well somewhere slowly clawing your way up with nothing to grab onto. it's virtually uncontrollable. Sometimes it quick lived, sometimes it's not. It's a lot of mental strain to get out of it. When I'm like this I can talk myself into doing nothing, so easily. Bit by bit this week I have been pulling myself out and up. Too slowly for my liking. I let things get to me. I let then drag me into a funk, for lack of a better word. I just have too much on my shoulders at once and it makes it hard to deal with things one piece at a time, the way I usually try to deal.

First I got denied for disability, again. This is rejection #3. I appealed, because i really think i need it, but now ., during the waiting, i need to figure out what to do. I am really very mad about the whole thing. Mad at the people who don't really need it, who get it. Mad at the judge who decided I was too young to get it and denied me. Most of all I am mad that i am getting no validation for all the years of pain i have been in. And having nothing to show for the time i have been home, without working. it makes me feel really bad to have been home this long and gone through so much because of it and to have not a damn thing to show for it. But I digress. I appealed, because I can, and now I wait.

So while waiting what the hell do I do? I need to do something. I need to work. We need the money, I need the sanity of not being in this house alone all day 3 days a week. Apparently there's a recession and it's hard to find work. LOL. I am having some shitty luck. I put in applications all over in stores and online. I haven't worked in so many years most places aren't interested in taking a chance on me, even in a crappy retail type job.

The whole thing makes me feel like I need to find a new direction in my life, career wise. Unfortunatley , everything I ever wanted to do is either unreachabel or phyisically impossible for me to do. Even if the givernment doesn't think so. what can I do? Cooking & Baking is out, i can barely stand to make dinner at home much less work a full day somewhere or make it through schooling. I have no real skills, which just makes me feel like shit. What can I do? I don't want to get stuck in some crappy job I hate, I want to find something I'm good at and love. See the problem? They keep piling on my shoulders. Thsi one's a doosesy.

Then there is the loss of the cat. And the loneliness in the house. How even now, its still really lonely. It's just harder than I ever imagined. I had the one break down outwardly and then somehow it all got internalized. It seems to just pop out at time I don't expect it to, like when I wake up and think he's on the bed with me. Random times. Frustrating. It just adds to the pile on my shoulders.

How do you decide what to deal with first? Thats my dilemma. So much for a happier blog.

Last night was not a particularly shining moment for me. I had been doing ok, missing Bale (sorry thats all i write about so far) but doing ok. Until I had to spend an entire day home alone, while KC was at work. I kept breaking down and loosing it. I held it together when KC was home, it was a nice distraction. But then as I laid down to go do sleep it all hit me and I couldn't stop crying. Poor half asleep KC was trying his best comfort me, god bless him for it. I haven't sobbed like that since the day we put Bale to sleep. I'm really not ok. Is hysteria a step of grief? I think I'm hysterical, in the non comical sense.

I wanna be ok about it, but part of me doesn't. I also don't want to continue to dwell on it, but part of me worries i'll forget, even tho i knwo I won't. I swear this is so right up there with losing my mom. Even my mom I didn't see everyday, and it hit me differently. Loosing Bale has helped me feel better about loosing my mom. The anniversary of her death was during the week after he was gone, I barely noticed. And this weekend is what would have been Bale's 17th birthday and it's also Mother's Day. Could it be a worse weekend? I'm hoping that after the weekend the hyseteria will calm down.

I also have a job interview on Thursday, and I realy hope I get it , even if just to be out of the house more. Staying in this lonely , empty feeling house is not good for me, or this ongoing hysteria.

Here's to a happier blog next time, I hope.

And from the ashes....

Well we got Bale's ashes today. When the phone had an "unknown" caller, i just knew, and made KC answer. He went to pick them up without question, which was good. He asked if I wanted to go with him, but if I can avoid going there ever again, it'll still be too soon. So Bale came home again. Wrapped up in a plastic bag, inside white tissue, inside a flowered container, inside gold tissue inside a white box inside a gift bag looking thing. It was strange. It was nice that they took so much care of him tho.

Admittedly, I clutched the little can and cried like a baby for a good 15 minutes.

Then we went to the store to find a proper container. Flowers for a boy cat just didn't seem right. So we found a really nice brown box with a striped lid, much more suitable. We also bought 2 small frames for some pictures of him I am getting made up. I am making a small photo album as well, with all my shots of him in it.

It's still a really lonely time in the house. I miss him like I have never missed anything before. I always think he's just going to pop around the corner. So surreal all this. It's like living in a cloudy, crappy nightmare. I barely have any concept of time or date, much less when to eat. I'm eating, don't get me wrong, but it's an autopilot thing. I know I have to, so I do.

I really hope to have something happier or more interesting to write about soon. I'm really not this morose, generally.

4 days since....

4 days since I lost my fur baby. I think it will never get less weird in the house. I keep thinking he will be around a corner when i get there, or jump on the bed next to me. Every time I hear any noises I think it's him. It's really hard. KC has been amazing, as he usually is in a crisis. He's been taking long walks with me all week long. It is nice to spend some time together like that, talking and wandering.

This beautiful weather isn't hurting anything either. I'm pretty sure we skipped Spring and went straight into Summer, but it's been really nice. The downside is our airless apartment keeps needing to be air conditioned, and that's gonna hurt when we get the con-ed bill. Oh well, I'd rather pay and be comfortable.

Must have coffee....

My First Blog...

It’s been a helluva week already. I decided to start fresh with this blog because my old one at livejournal has all my former baggage and since I have been forced into a ton of change recently I decided a clean slate would be good.

The biggest and worst news of the week is we had to put my cat, Bale, to sleep yesterday. It was the worst thing ever, and continues to be. He got sick a few weeks ago and looked really bad. We thought he was going to need to be put to sleep. We decided that it was best, since he was obviously suffering. He wasn’t eating, drinking or doing much of anything. We made the appointment to go in to the vet with him for the euthanasia. I cried all that day and night, I spent the whole night with him, not sleeping, taking my last time with him. The suddenly he decided to drink and eat, he bounced back! So we ended up taking him for a checkup instead and got him some fluids and an antibiotic for a week, and blood work. This was all to the tune of $500 bucks. Not the most popular thing with the husband, but we did it. There were some levels of issue in his blood work but the dr said he could be fine, it could have been from the dehydration.

Fast forward 10 days. Bale had taken his meds like a champ and seemed to be getting better and better. Then this past Friday when KC & I came home from the grocery store he started throwing up. He threw up every 2 hours. Eventually there was nothing to throw up, but he kept going. I stayed up most of the night with him again, hoping he’d get better. He didn’t. I called the vet for advice on what to do for him, he said bring him in. This was about 2:30pm this past Saturday. After an exam, he concluded that it was pancreatitis and renal failure. He said we could do more test, try out possible drugs, and see what happens. All this and he would still not definitely be ok. There wasn’t much choice in the matter. He was obviously suffering and I had confirmation that he did have a long term problem.

The only issue…no KC. He was on his way home on the train, after visiting a sick uncle (just another bad thing we found out that week). So I had to make the choice alone. The people at the vet were awesome, very kind, and they told me they would wait as long as possible, so KC might make it there. Well we waited until after 4pm, and they were supposed to close by3pm.

Eventually the inevitable had to happen; I had to do it alone. When we thought we were putting him down KC agreed to be in the room at the time so I didn’t have to, and I thought that was a great idea. Unfortunately it wasn’t an option. I was not leaving my baby of 17 years alone with people he didn’t know being held down and pass on. So I sucked it up and did it.

I got to kiss him and tell him I loved him before they injected him. It was super fast, thank god. And then he was just there, limp and gone. It was so much like he was sleeping. Apparently cat’s eyes stay open, but I was on the other side of him and refused to look at that. I was left alone in the room with him for a bit afterwards. I didn’t really know what to do. I petted his head a little, told him I loved him and then I had to go. I couldn’t stay there in the room with him, it was too surreal.

I wish I didn’t have to be in the room because I can’t get the image of him laying there on the silver slab, lifeless, out of my mind. It was terrible. I try to focus on the positive things, the good and funny time, but it’s so hard. I never thought it would hurt this much. 17 years is a long time.

I swear I look for him everywhere I go in the house. I’m sure that’ll ease in time, but it’s weird. We packed up his stuff today and put it away, hopefully that will help too. So far it just seems weird to not see his things where they should be.

I felt like I was on borrowed time with him anyway. I got 14 extra days with him I didn’t think I’d get. So I’m thankful for that. I got to sleep with him the night before, cuddle with him that day and kiss him goodbye.

I will miss you forever, Bale. I love you with all my heart, always.