Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Let me take you to Funky Town.

I am officially in a funk. Unfortunately this happens from time to time but without any means to seriously fix things I am stuck dealing with it by myself. It's like being stuck in a well somewhere slowly clawing your way up with nothing to grab onto. it's virtually uncontrollable. Sometimes it quick lived, sometimes it's not. It's a lot of mental strain to get out of it. When I'm like this I can talk myself into doing nothing, so easily. Bit by bit this week I have been pulling myself out and up. Too slowly for my liking. I let things get to me. I let then drag me into a funk, for lack of a better word. I just have too much on my shoulders at once and it makes it hard to deal with things one piece at a time, the way I usually try to deal.

First I got denied for disability, again. This is rejection #3. I appealed, because i really think i need it, but now ., during the waiting, i need to figure out what to do. I am really very mad about the whole thing. Mad at the people who don't really need it, who get it. Mad at the judge who decided I was too young to get it and denied me. Most of all I am mad that i am getting no validation for all the years of pain i have been in. And having nothing to show for the time i have been home, without working. it makes me feel really bad to have been home this long and gone through so much because of it and to have not a damn thing to show for it. But I digress. I appealed, because I can, and now I wait.

So while waiting what the hell do I do? I need to do something. I need to work. We need the money, I need the sanity of not being in this house alone all day 3 days a week. Apparently there's a recession and it's hard to find work. LOL. I am having some shitty luck. I put in applications all over in stores and online. I haven't worked in so many years most places aren't interested in taking a chance on me, even in a crappy retail type job.

The whole thing makes me feel like I need to find a new direction in my life, career wise. Unfortunatley , everything I ever wanted to do is either unreachabel or phyisically impossible for me to do. Even if the givernment doesn't think so. what can I do? Cooking & Baking is out, i can barely stand to make dinner at home much less work a full day somewhere or make it through schooling. I have no real skills, which just makes me feel like shit. What can I do? I don't want to get stuck in some crappy job I hate, I want to find something I'm good at and love. See the problem? They keep piling on my shoulders. Thsi one's a doosesy.

Then there is the loss of the cat. And the loneliness in the house. How even now, its still really lonely. It's just harder than I ever imagined. I had the one break down outwardly and then somehow it all got internalized. It seems to just pop out at time I don't expect it to, like when I wake up and think he's on the bed with me. Random times. Frustrating. It just adds to the pile on my shoulders.

How do you decide what to deal with first? Thats my dilemma. So much for a happier blog.


  1. Kat I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I could have written the first couple of paragraphs. The "funk" happens to me too, you feel overwhelmed not sure what to do next, I seem to shut down and do nothing when that happens which is not good, I know.

    I know you feel like you have to hold it together about Bale, but you don't have to, let the grief come, let it out because if you don't it will come out in weird ways at the wrong time.

    You are a great writer. I hope you get a job in something you like.

  2. Kat, my darlin'...

    I send you good thoughts. You amazing woman, you. This too, shall pass.




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