Tuesday, April 28, 2009

4 days since....

4 days since I lost my fur baby. I think it will never get less weird in the house. I keep thinking he will be around a corner when i get there, or jump on the bed next to me. Every time I hear any noises I think it's him. It's really hard. KC has been amazing, as he usually is in a crisis. He's been taking long walks with me all week long. It is nice to spend some time together like that, talking and wandering.

This beautiful weather isn't hurting anything either. I'm pretty sure we skipped Spring and went straight into Summer, but it's been really nice. The downside is our airless apartment keeps needing to be air conditioned, and that's gonna hurt when we get the con-ed bill. Oh well, I'd rather pay and be comfortable.

Must have coffee....

Monday, April 27, 2009

My First Blog...

It’s been a helluva week already. I decided to start fresh with this blog because my old one at livejournal has all my former baggage and since I have been forced into a ton of change recently I decided a clean slate would be good.

The biggest and worst news of the week is we had to put my cat, Bale, to sleep yesterday. It was the worst thing ever, and continues to be. He got sick a few weeks ago and looked really bad. We thought he was going to need to be put to sleep. We decided that it was best, since he was obviously suffering. He wasn’t eating, drinking or doing much of anything. We made the appointment to go in to the vet with him for the euthanasia. I cried all that day and night, I spent the whole night with him, not sleeping, taking my last time with him. The suddenly he decided to drink and eat, he bounced back! So we ended up taking him for a checkup instead and got him some fluids and an antibiotic for a week, and blood work. This was all to the tune of $500 bucks. Not the most popular thing with the husband, but we did it. There were some levels of issue in his blood work but the dr said he could be fine, it could have been from the dehydration.

Fast forward 10 days. Bale had taken his meds like a champ and seemed to be getting better and better. Then this past Friday when KC & I came home from the grocery store he started throwing up. He threw up every 2 hours. Eventually there was nothing to throw up, but he kept going. I stayed up most of the night with him again, hoping he’d get better. He didn’t. I called the vet for advice on what to do for him, he said bring him in. This was about 2:30pm this past Saturday. After an exam, he concluded that it was pancreatitis and renal failure. He said we could do more test, try out possible drugs, and see what happens. All this and he would still not definitely be ok. There wasn’t much choice in the matter. He was obviously suffering and I had confirmation that he did have a long term problem.

The only issue…no KC. He was on his way home on the train, after visiting a sick uncle (just another bad thing we found out that week). So I had to make the choice alone. The people at the vet were awesome, very kind, and they told me they would wait as long as possible, so KC might make it there. Well we waited until after 4pm, and they were supposed to close by3pm.

Eventually the inevitable had to happen; I had to do it alone. When we thought we were putting him down KC agreed to be in the room at the time so I didn’t have to, and I thought that was a great idea. Unfortunately it wasn’t an option. I was not leaving my baby of 17 years alone with people he didn’t know being held down and pass on. So I sucked it up and did it.

I got to kiss him and tell him I loved him before they injected him. It was super fast, thank god. And then he was just there, limp and gone. It was so much like he was sleeping. Apparently cat’s eyes stay open, but I was on the other side of him and refused to look at that. I was left alone in the room with him for a bit afterwards. I didn’t really know what to do. I petted his head a little, told him I loved him and then I had to go. I couldn’t stay there in the room with him, it was too surreal.

I wish I didn’t have to be in the room because I can’t get the image of him laying there on the silver slab, lifeless, out of my mind. It was terrible. I try to focus on the positive things, the good and funny time, but it’s so hard. I never thought it would hurt this much. 17 years is a long time.

I swear I look for him everywhere I go in the house. I’m sure that’ll ease in time, but it’s weird. We packed up his stuff today and put it away, hopefully that will help too. So far it just seems weird to not see his things where they should be.

I felt like I was on borrowed time with him anyway. I got 14 extra days with him I didn’t think I’d get. So I’m thankful for that. I got to sleep with him the night before, cuddle with him that day and kiss him goodbye.

I will miss you forever, Bale. I love you with all my heart, always.