Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Last night was not a particularly shining moment for me. I had been doing ok, missing Bale (sorry thats all i write about so far) but doing ok. Until I had to spend an entire day home alone, while KC was at work. I kept breaking down and loosing it. I held it together when KC was home, it was a nice distraction. But then as I laid down to go do sleep it all hit me and I couldn't stop crying. Poor half asleep KC was trying his best comfort me, god bless him for it. I haven't sobbed like that since the day we put Bale to sleep. I'm really not ok. Is hysteria a step of grief? I think I'm hysterical, in the non comical sense.

I wanna be ok about it, but part of me doesn't. I also don't want to continue to dwell on it, but part of me worries i'll forget, even tho i knwo I won't. I swear this is so right up there with losing my mom. Even my mom I didn't see everyday, and it hit me differently. Loosing Bale has helped me feel better about loosing my mom. The anniversary of her death was during the week after he was gone, I barely noticed. And this weekend is what would have been Bale's 17th birthday and it's also Mother's Day. Could it be a worse weekend? I'm hoping that after the weekend the hyseteria will calm down.

I also have a job interview on Thursday, and I realy hope I get it , even if just to be out of the house more. Staying in this lonely , empty feeling house is not good for me, or this ongoing hysteria.

Here's to a happier blog next time, I hope.

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