Blog Neglect

It has been a very long month. Mostly because work has taken me quite a while to get used to again. My schedule varies from the shifts starting at 9am, 10am and sometimes 11am. There are also call in shifts- which for the record- are for the birds! I have to call 2 hours before my shift and see if they need me, if yes then I need to haul ass out of the house and go work. Kind of a pain. Esp. since I have 3 of those this week, 2 being a weekend. So much for going out because IF I have to work I will be screwed. So far I haven't had to go in for any call ins {knocking on wood} .

It's hard work thats for sure. I am busting my ass everyday. Some days I am more sore than others. I am definitely still in copious amounts of pain but am trying to deal with it the best i can. I work only about 15 hours a week. I'll get used to it, it's just been hard. I nap a lot and go to sleep really early to try and give my body enough healing time.

I took my traditions class, which you have to take to work for Disney. I loved it. History and trivia with the meat and potatoes of the company thrown in. I won a lot of the trivia things, naturally. LOL. I also mad a new friend that day, the only other person in the class who "got it" as far as my love for Disney. We actually ended up runnign into her and her BF @ The mdinght showing of Harry Potter & The Half Blood Prince. We watched the movie with them and had a great time. We are all planning to see it in IMAX again. BTW- I LOVED the movie.

We went to Atlantic City this past weekend. It was supposed to be a few days but we ended up just staying over night. I met up with several friends from my favorite Disney message boards (disboards.com). We shopped and had lunch. We had a great time. We ate buffet food the night before, went to the beach for a while and wandered the boardwalk.

We made our trip shorter because we decided to book a trip to Disney!!!!! It was a roller coaster of drama to get to the decision to book the trip- but we are a go! I booked the hotel the day before we left for AC. We are staying 3 nights @ All Star Movies then switching for 2 nights to The Animal Kingdom lodge. It's one of my dream resorts and I am so excited to stay there! Andy is coming with us this time. Laura and Hannah will drive up as well, maybe with more of her family, maybe not, time will tell. It will be the only trip I am able to take as a Cast Member of Disney since my store will be closed after Christmas. I am really excited to be able to go and get all the perks of a CM.

So thats what has been going on with me the last month. Not a whole lot of creative cooking going on. Lots of things in the crock pot that last a few days so I have less cooking to do after long hard days at work. Not too much baking either. I need to remedy that because it is my favorite form of therapy. I need a new flavor to get obsessed with, I have about exhausted the peanut butter ideas already. Maybe something fruity.

Work Second.

I started work at World of Disney this past Tuesday. I worked 3 mornings in a row. It's been about 5 years since I went to work that many days in a row. It was tough but in the end I was a lot better of phyically that I ever thought I'd be. Everyone there is perfectly nice. I work in what the call "heart of house" or in other words- the stock room. I unpack the boxes and organize the stuff that comes in- in a nutshell. It's easy enough. A bit more physical than i ever intended but so far I am ok.

I am wrestling with whether to explain about my back and how to do that. I am pretty sure I need to tell them because there are a few aspects of the job I can not do. The only reason I am not "On Stage" or in sales in the main store, id because the person whose name I put down as a referral works that position and they consider it a conflict of interest for me to be doing the same job. As I am glad to be working for Disney (obviously) I am a bit taken aback by just how NON Disney HoH (Heart of House) is. I have yet to find any Disney enthusiasts like myself and I have worked with probably over 20 people already this week. Secretly I am gushing at everything and have no one to express it to while I am there. It just seems odd.

I did, as you can see above, get my cast member badge the first day! I was so excited I ran home and took pics of it and made it my icon on the DIS Boards ( dot com)! At least there I can be a true Disney Dork and they understand. This Tuesday I take my "Traditions" class, which is a history of the company and Walt himself. Everyone tells me its fun and theres trivia and prizes and it's an all around good time. I am excited to do this, being the dork that I am. I am almost honored that I get to take this class that all the Cast Members in Florida have to take before working there. I figure I will be in a room full of people who don't give a fuck, and that makes me a bit sad. Although winning prizes for my ridiculous amount of Disney knowledge could be good. LOL.

I work 3 days next week not including the day for Traditions. I should be bringing about $100, give or take, home a week. That will def help us in getting some more money put aside for moving in march and just to have.

So here's to Disney and my Non-Disney caring co workers. OPA!

Food First.

I baked last weekend. I have been so super busy and extremely tired this week I haven't been able to blog it. So better late than never, esp. because they came out yummy.

Oatmeal Peanut Butter Bars

• 3/4 cup baking mix
• 2 cups quick oats
  
• 1/2 cup creamy peanut butter
• 1/2 cup cinnamon applesauce
• 1/2 cup raisins
• 1/2 cup chocolate chips
• 1 egg
• 1/3 cup honey

Directions

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Lightly spray an 11 by 7-inch or 9 by 9-inch baking pan with cooking spray; set aside.

In a mixing bowl, stir together baking mix and oats until well blended. Add remaining ingredients and stir until well combined.

Press dough into prepared baking pan. Bake for 20 to 25 minutes. Cool completely before cutting into bars.

Sorry I forgot to take a pic of them cut up. The only changes I made were that I doubled the recipe! I figured if I was gonna make 'em I mine as well make enough for the week.

KC & I both took them as breakfast bars for work during the week. They are very dense but moist as well and really yummy.

Food Glorious Food.

So since we have been trying to menu plan ahead of time and trying to come up with new things to do cheaper...this is what we ate this weekend.

We picked up pizza dough at the pizza shop nearby ($3.50 per round) and made the filling for these homemade calzones.

Calzone Filling
(makes 4 calzones which requires 2 dough rounds)

1/4 lb deli ham, sliced
1 box frozen chopped spinach, defrosted
3 or 4 spoonfuls of ricotta cheese
a handful of mozzarella cheese

1 egg (mix with water to make egg wash for over top.

Roll the dough out and put the filling on half of it and roll it over. Bake at 375 degrees for 30 minutes. I served mine with some jar sauce for dipping.


We had them 2 nights in a row because we had so much stuff leftover to make the filling.

Now on to dessert!

Lemon Ricotta Cookies.

I got this recipe from watching Giada De Laurentis on Food TV. They sounded strange but I had to try 'em. This is the 2nd time I've made them. Yum. Really refreshing. I didn't tell KC what was in them till he tried them first because I kinda had a feeling he wouldn't be into a cookie with ricotta cheese in it, but he loves them now!

• 2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
• 1 teaspoon baking powder
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 stick unsalted butter, softened
• 2 cups sugar
• 2 eggs
• 1 (15-ounce) container whole milk ricotta cheese
• 3 tablespoons lemon juice
  
• 1 lemon, zested

Glaze:

• 1 1/2 cups powdered sugar
• 3 tablespoons lemon juice
• 1 lemon, zested

Cream butter and sugar. Add eggs. Add cheese, lemon juice & zest. Then stir in dry ingredients. I sifted my dry ingredients (I always do). Line baking sheets with parchment(these are some sticky suckers) and place them about an inch apart. Use 2 spoons to get them into the best circles you can on the sheet. Bake at 375 degrees for 14-15 minutes a batch. Cool on cooling racks.


Mix the glaze ingredients together after the first batch is in the oven. it makes a ton of glaze. When the cookies have come out of the oven and have cooled some (about 20 min) then spoon a little of the glaze on them, it will spread out and drip off. I put mine on the cooling racks with paper towels underneath. Then refrigerate them for a bit to set the glaze.
It makes a ton of cookies! They are really good tho, like a cake almost.

So that was my weekend in food. tomorrow we are eating something much easier than all this homemade stuff, everyone needs a day off sometime.

PS. I start work officially on Tuesday!!!!! Full details once I return!

The Waiting Game

Now I wait for my call from Disney. 10 days to 2 weeks is a lifetime when you realize that you are really ready to not be home all day every day. By 4 pm everyday I am seriously BORED. There's only so much going on tho, esp. when KC works all day. Tonight we have dinner plans (Hi Pants!) at the new French spot we found near the house. I'm really excited for it. The brunch we had last week was amazing and I can't wait to try some more of their food. It's one of those cute places with real charm and food to match. Maybe I'll review the dinner here. hmmmm...

The weekend isn't looking too exciting either. Tomorrow we need to do the grocery shopping. We have been menu planning every 2 weeks and only shopping for what we need. It has definitely saved us some serious money over the last few months we have been doing it. It's a little work, but its worth it. Once I start working it'll be more in the crock pot and making double dinners some days, so we have leftovers on late nights. I am a planner, if nothing else, so it should work out fine.

Sunday KC is off. He switched with someone for today's shift. Thats a rare occurrence but in the interest of saving some money we aren't planning on doing much. My birthday is Tuesday and we are saving for that above going to brunch. We are also trying to be on a more strict budget. It's sort of working out. It will be really nice to have some more money coming in from me working. It's going to go towards the occasional dinner out and to make a dent in the credit cards.

That's this year's main focus. Paying off some of the credit card debt we have. It's not so bad, it could be MUCH worse, but we are trying to nip it in the bud, before it got really out of hand. The goal is to not go on a real vacation again until at least one card is paid off. Of course a trip to WDW might be the exception because of my Cast Member discount (which I am hoping I get even tho I am only considered "seasonal").

BTW getting old is starting to wear on me. I don't even wanna say the age out loud, esp. being married to a 24 year old. LOL.

Employed, At last.

I work for Disney. I can’t get used to it. I am so excited about it it’s silly. Working there is going to kill my chances at disability but I honestly don’t care. I have needed to find work for a long time, for me, for KC , for us and for my sanity. I can’t spend forever waiting on disability when I keep getting denied. I need medical more than anything, that’s why I was seeking disability. I know working will be hard on me but I have to give it a real try.

Yesterday was my day for “new hire” paperwork. I was with my “class” of new hires. I was the oldest one. I was also the only married one. I was also the only vocal one in the bunch. I’m pretty sure I was the most excited to be there too.

The paperwork was meh. The typical stuff. We got all kinds of papers to read at home too. When they asked who has been to any Disney Park me and 2 other people raised their hands....there were 9 of us in the "class"!! So stupid me says "I have been there enough for all of you don't worry". I couldn’t get over it. All college age kids who just need a job, and me who was happier than a pig in shit to receive Disney folders. I digress. I’m sure not everyone in the store is that way, I hope.(no clue why the pic wont load straight?!)

Then we had to get our lovely "costumes" (note sarcasm). Polyester at its finest. Needless to say the pants run 4 sizes smaller than you actually wear so the size I need was astronomical and they have to order them for me from Florida. I was a tad embarrassed but at least they will fit. The shirts are stretchy mock neck spandex shirts. Not sexy. Clingy is a good word. The girls are showcased, not by choice. Plus a belt, which means tucking the stretchy shirt into the pleated pants. Great times. I’m glad I am going to be mainly “back stage”. Maybe I will be forced to lose weight so I don’t have to avoid mirrors while in my work clothes. Only for Disney I’ll wear this crap.

So I just have to wait until my paperwork is processed and then I can start. 10 days to 2 weeks, they said. Then I take “Traditions”. The kids I was with don’t get it. There is a separate sheet that explains dress code for it, they make a big deal of it. It’s 8 hours of Disney College basically. How to be a Disney employee. To me, this is almost an honor because only real park employees usually do this course. Since we are considered a part of Florida, we take it too. I’m excited. I absorb Disney like a sponge. I really just don’t want to be the biggest dork in the room. I probably will be. But if there is anything I know about, it’s Disney.

Dreams

Just a quickie blog to say I am alive and happier than I have been in a while.

Today I interviewed and got offered the best possible job for me- Cast Member at the World of Disney store in NYC!!!!!

I am beyond excited about this! It's truly is my dream job. I go next week for paperwork then in a few weeks after that I start!

what this means for me in terms of everything else in my life, we'll get to that. For now I am HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY!!!!!!!!!

Some Pictures.

Taken a year ago in June.

One of my favs of us, recently.

My memorial to Bale. RIP Fuzzy One.

Let me take you to Funky Town.

I am officially in a funk. Unfortunately this happens from time to time but without any means to seriously fix things I am stuck dealing with it by myself. It's like being stuck in a well somewhere slowly clawing your way up with nothing to grab onto. it's virtually uncontrollable. Sometimes it quick lived, sometimes it's not. It's a lot of mental strain to get out of it. When I'm like this I can talk myself into doing nothing, so easily. Bit by bit this week I have been pulling myself out and up. Too slowly for my liking. I let things get to me. I let then drag me into a funk, for lack of a better word. I just have too much on my shoulders at once and it makes it hard to deal with things one piece at a time, the way I usually try to deal.

First I got denied for disability, again. This is rejection #3. I appealed, because i really think i need it, but now ., during the waiting, i need to figure out what to do. I am really very mad about the whole thing. Mad at the people who don't really need it, who get it. Mad at the judge who decided I was too young to get it and denied me. Most of all I am mad that i am getting no validation for all the years of pain i have been in. And having nothing to show for the time i have been home, without working. it makes me feel really bad to have been home this long and gone through so much because of it and to have not a damn thing to show for it. But I digress. I appealed, because I can, and now I wait.

So while waiting what the hell do I do? I need to do something. I need to work. We need the money, I need the sanity of not being in this house alone all day 3 days a week. Apparently there's a recession and it's hard to find work. LOL. I am having some shitty luck. I put in applications all over in stores and online. I haven't worked in so many years most places aren't interested in taking a chance on me, even in a crappy retail type job.

The whole thing makes me feel like I need to find a new direction in my life, career wise. Unfortunatley , everything I ever wanted to do is either unreachabel or phyisically impossible for me to do. Even if the givernment doesn't think so. what can I do? Cooking & Baking is out, i can barely stand to make dinner at home much less work a full day somewhere or make it through schooling. I have no real skills, which just makes me feel like shit. What can I do? I don't want to get stuck in some crappy job I hate, I want to find something I'm good at and love. See the problem? They keep piling on my shoulders. Thsi one's a doosesy.

Then there is the loss of the cat. And the loneliness in the house. How even now, its still really lonely. It's just harder than I ever imagined. I had the one break down outwardly and then somehow it all got internalized. It seems to just pop out at time I don't expect it to, like when I wake up and think he's on the bed with me. Random times. Frustrating. It just adds to the pile on my shoulders.

How do you decide what to deal with first? Thats my dilemma. So much for a happier blog.

Last night was not a particularly shining moment for me. I had been doing ok, missing Bale (sorry thats all i write about so far) but doing ok. Until I had to spend an entire day home alone, while KC was at work. I kept breaking down and loosing it. I held it together when KC was home, it was a nice distraction. But then as I laid down to go do sleep it all hit me and I couldn't stop crying. Poor half asleep KC was trying his best comfort me, god bless him for it. I haven't sobbed like that since the day we put Bale to sleep. I'm really not ok. Is hysteria a step of grief? I think I'm hysterical, in the non comical sense.

I wanna be ok about it, but part of me doesn't. I also don't want to continue to dwell on it, but part of me worries i'll forget, even tho i knwo I won't. I swear this is so right up there with losing my mom. Even my mom I didn't see everyday, and it hit me differently. Loosing Bale has helped me feel better about loosing my mom. The anniversary of her death was during the week after he was gone, I barely noticed. And this weekend is what would have been Bale's 17th birthday and it's also Mother's Day. Could it be a worse weekend? I'm hoping that after the weekend the hyseteria will calm down.

I also have a job interview on Thursday, and I realy hope I get it , even if just to be out of the house more. Staying in this lonely , empty feeling house is not good for me, or this ongoing hysteria.

Here's to a happier blog next time, I hope.

And from the ashes....

Well we got Bale's ashes today. When the phone had an "unknown" caller, i just knew, and made KC answer. He went to pick them up without question, which was good. He asked if I wanted to go with him, but if I can avoid going there ever again, it'll still be too soon. So Bale came home again. Wrapped up in a plastic bag, inside white tissue, inside a flowered container, inside gold tissue inside a white box inside a gift bag looking thing. It was strange. It was nice that they took so much care of him tho.

Admittedly, I clutched the little can and cried like a baby for a good 15 minutes.

Then we went to the store to find a proper container. Flowers for a boy cat just didn't seem right. So we found a really nice brown box with a striped lid, much more suitable. We also bought 2 small frames for some pictures of him I am getting made up. I am making a small photo album as well, with all my shots of him in it.

It's still a really lonely time in the house. I miss him like I have never missed anything before. I always think he's just going to pop around the corner. So surreal all this. It's like living in a cloudy, crappy nightmare. I barely have any concept of time or date, much less when to eat. I'm eating, don't get me wrong, but it's an autopilot thing. I know I have to, so I do.

I really hope to have something happier or more interesting to write about soon. I'm really not this morose, generally.

4 days since....

4 days since I lost my fur baby. I think it will never get less weird in the house. I keep thinking he will be around a corner when i get there, or jump on the bed next to me. Every time I hear any noises I think it's him. It's really hard. KC has been amazing, as he usually is in a crisis. He's been taking long walks with me all week long. It is nice to spend some time together like that, talking and wandering.

This beautiful weather isn't hurting anything either. I'm pretty sure we skipped Spring and went straight into Summer, but it's been really nice. The downside is our airless apartment keeps needing to be air conditioned, and that's gonna hurt when we get the con-ed bill. Oh well, I'd rather pay and be comfortable.

Must have coffee....

My First Blog...

It’s been a helluva week already. I decided to start fresh with this blog because my old one at livejournal has all my former baggage and since I have been forced into a ton of change recently I decided a clean slate would be good.

The biggest and worst news of the week is we had to put my cat, Bale, to sleep yesterday. It was the worst thing ever, and continues to be. He got sick a few weeks ago and looked really bad. We thought he was going to need to be put to sleep. We decided that it was best, since he was obviously suffering. He wasn’t eating, drinking or doing much of anything. We made the appointment to go in to the vet with him for the euthanasia. I cried all that day and night, I spent the whole night with him, not sleeping, taking my last time with him. The suddenly he decided to drink and eat, he bounced back! So we ended up taking him for a checkup instead and got him some fluids and an antibiotic for a week, and blood work. This was all to the tune of $500 bucks. Not the most popular thing with the husband, but we did it. There were some levels of issue in his blood work but the dr said he could be fine, it could have been from the dehydration.

Fast forward 10 days. Bale had taken his meds like a champ and seemed to be getting better and better. Then this past Friday when KC & I came home from the grocery store he started throwing up. He threw up every 2 hours. Eventually there was nothing to throw up, but he kept going. I stayed up most of the night with him again, hoping he’d get better. He didn’t. I called the vet for advice on what to do for him, he said bring him in. This was about 2:30pm this past Saturday. After an exam, he concluded that it was pancreatitis and renal failure. He said we could do more test, try out possible drugs, and see what happens. All this and he would still not definitely be ok. There wasn’t much choice in the matter. He was obviously suffering and I had confirmation that he did have a long term problem.

The only issue…no KC. He was on his way home on the train, after visiting a sick uncle (just another bad thing we found out that week). So I had to make the choice alone. The people at the vet were awesome, very kind, and they told me they would wait as long as possible, so KC might make it there. Well we waited until after 4pm, and they were supposed to close by3pm.

Eventually the inevitable had to happen; I had to do it alone. When we thought we were putting him down KC agreed to be in the room at the time so I didn’t have to, and I thought that was a great idea. Unfortunately it wasn’t an option. I was not leaving my baby of 17 years alone with people he didn’t know being held down and pass on. So I sucked it up and did it.

I got to kiss him and tell him I loved him before they injected him. It was super fast, thank god. And then he was just there, limp and gone. It was so much like he was sleeping. Apparently cat’s eyes stay open, but I was on the other side of him and refused to look at that. I was left alone in the room with him for a bit afterwards. I didn’t really know what to do. I petted his head a little, told him I loved him and then I had to go. I couldn’t stay there in the room with him, it was too surreal.

I wish I didn’t have to be in the room because I can’t get the image of him laying there on the silver slab, lifeless, out of my mind. It was terrible. I try to focus on the positive things, the good and funny time, but it’s so hard. I never thought it would hurt this much. 17 years is a long time.

I swear I look for him everywhere I go in the house. I’m sure that’ll ease in time, but it’s weird. We packed up his stuff today and put it away, hopefully that will help too. So far it just seems weird to not see his things where they should be.

I felt like I was on borrowed time with him anyway. I got 14 extra days with him I didn’t think I’d get. So I’m thankful for that. I got to sleep with him the night before, cuddle with him that day and kiss him goodbye.

I will miss you forever, Bale. I love you with all my heart, always.